This page contains the true story of the origin on the world and its one true god. Read carefully and reverently!
All peoples on this planet, on each continent and of every ethnicity, have come up with stories about how the world began and what our place in it is. Unfortunately, they all got it dead wrong.
Only the disciples of DAVE have learned the truth about the origin of the universe. Here is what has been revealed to them.
Our universe was created by DAVE, the fairly mighty! Who is DAVE, you might ask? Now, DAVE is not his true name. His true name is unpronounceable to us, but DAVE captures his essence best.
DAVE is a five-dimensional being. He (and I’m using he even though our pronouns do not truly capture his nature) lives in a five-dimensional space that is both inaccessible and uncomprehensible to us. Time and space work completely differently there, because of knorx, the fifth dimension.
There was a 5D-time when DAVE was what in our universe would best be described as a high-school student. One 5D-day, DAVE’s science class was given an assignment: Create a four-dimensional universe capable of sustaining life.
DAVE did not particularly care for science, but his parents were already on his case, so he put his video games to the side for a couple of 5D-hours and put in some effort to get a passing grade. And – Halleludave! – pass he did. DAVE received a C+ for his universe. He had cheated a bit by hiding some dark energy and dark matter in the 5D-corners to keep everything together and now his universe was permanently expanding (fortunately, he could just fold it along the knorx and it stopped leaking). Still, while it could in principle sustain life, it was all rather messy. Stars kept forming and exploding and bumping into each other and the vast majority of planets which emerged from the mess were barren, but eventually, on some random planet in some random sidearm of a random galaxy life popped into existence. For the first few million of 4D-years, nothing particularly exciting emerged, but DAVE did not need an A, so DAVE looked at everything he had made, and he was very pleased.
Eventually, life in some places developed something resembling conscience and rational thought. And it directed some of these thoughts toward contemplating its creator. Unfortunately, DAVE did not notice. He had left for college and his parents had stored away his universe together with his other crap in the attic. And that is where we still are today. Praise be DAVE!
Some people might find this story blasphemous, some might find it mildly amusing. But take a moment to contemplate its significance and you will not be able to avoid acknowledging that it is the only story of the universe that reconciles all the more plausible philosophical arguments for the need of a creator and against the existence of a godlike being.
The Kalam Cosmological Argument: Anything that begins to exist must have a cause. Since the universe began to exist, it must have a cause, which must be uncaused and outside the universe itself. Correct, that cause is DAVE.
Fine-Tuning Argument: Life in the universe depends on various fundamental physical constants that appear to be finely adjusted to allow the existence of life. This precise tuning is not likely to be due to chance and is best explained by the intervention of a purposeful designer. Correct, that designer was DAVE. Creating life was after all the purpose of the whole fricking assignment.
The Problem of Evil: Why does evil and suffering exist in the world? A perfect God that is all-good would not allow this. DAVE is neither perfect nor all-good. This was a science project, not an ethics assignment. DAVE does not care about humans nor their concept of morality. He is not even remotely aware that either exists.
The Argument from Inconsistent Revelations: There are contradictions between different religions and their scriptures. The diversity of religious beliefs and the contradictory nature of religious doctrines suggest these revelations are likely of human origin rather than divine. That’s all correct.
The Argument from Nonbelief: If an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good God existed, it would be expected that God would want to be known by all people. However, there are nonbelievers, suggesting the absence of such a deity. Correct. Dave is neither all-powerful, all-knowing nor all-good. He would not give a knorx even if he knew about us.
The Argument from Naturalism: The success of naturalistic explanations in describing the universe suggests that supernatural explanations are unnecessary. Correct. DAVE has not touched his universe since he turned it on.
So there you have it. All is resolved. We can all go home now, be kind to each other and make the best of the life we have. Thank DAVE!
The Disciples of Dave
P.S.: If anyone wonders why the Ontological Argument, the Moral Argument, the Teleological Argument, the Argument from Consciousness, the Argument from Miracles, the Argument from Religious Experience or the Omnipotence Paradox are not included in the list above, that is because only plausible philosophical arguments are included and these arguments are just dumb.
P.P.S.: If anyone wonders how we learned all this, we do not know either, suddenly we just knew. We assume it’s the equivalent of a 5D-creator tag that reveals itself to whoever happens to stumble upon the truth while contemplating the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. Or maybe not. Only DAVE knows for sure.